Buntings for Tennessee in Memory of Carter

I have been sewing a few Angel Outfitters bereavement buntings, for babies born at 14-19 weeks gestation, too tiny and fragile for clothes or diapers. Two years ago (WHERE does time go?) I wrote about the quilts I made for our identical twin grandsons Carter and Cohen.

I had fabric leftover from those quilts. I kept bringing it down to cut into diapers or quilt pieces or buntings, but could never do it and set it aside. It reminded me too much of making those quilts and how things turned out and I wanted to keep it because it was for Carter. This month I brought it down again. I cut a large piece and put it in my dresser to keep. For me. I was ready to use the rest of the fabric and what better than these little buntings for other special angels and their families. These buntings give grieving families something special for their baby. Made just for them. 

Carter's quilt that he was buried in. 

It is and honor and very humbling  to be able to make these buntings for the tiny angels. It lets their families know that their baby was special, real and very important. Making these buntings helps me honor and remember Carter by giving to others. He is forever in my heart, forever loved, NEVER forgotten.

The card with Carters name on it that goes in every bunting.

Small bunting (14-16 weeks) with Carters fabric! 

60 buntings for Tennessee  

Read all about Angel Outfitters here.

And Teeny Tears here.

The Tie That Binds

This year started out as the last year ended. TeenyTears Diapers. Working on these tiny diapers for special angels has been really healing  for me. . We started getting requests for small hospitals in Washington. I was really touched by this, as we had vacationed twice in Eastern Washington the past summer and as I saw the road signs for all these little hospitals I thought perhaps a few Moms in early labor MUST make it into these hospitals and need diapers. I told Jana that next time we plan vacation, I will phone ahead and see if they have a hospital and need diapers. I would LOVE to make a diaper delivery in person.

Christmas was really hard for me this year. My Grandson Carter passed away in June 2011. I think I was so busy that first year, trying to help my daughter and her family and be sure they were ok, I did not have a lot of time to process what I had been thru.You never stop being a mom! I was elated that my daughter was having a baby and then TWINS! Nothing can take the memories of that JOY away from me. While still struggling with my grief. I am also thankful for the times we shared thru Cohen and Carters birth. I did not have a page in  my “mom advice book” dealing with the loss of a child. I had never been there. I am learning so much watching my daughter walk thru these times with faith, strength, love and hope.

Having these “local” hospitals has been really healing for me to work on. I think of the times I have been to those cities. It made me remember my dear mother in law. I grieve for her, too. She was a nurse in the newborn nursery for 35 years at Stevens Memorial Hospital in Edmonds, WA. She used to come home and say how they had another “tiny” one today and how she wished she had enough time, she would love to design and make preemie clothes. There was no “preemie” section, back at that time. I felt such a close connection with her while sewing these tiny diapers. I had saved some of the fabric from her “stash” and I found some of it to use on tiny swaddlers to ship with the diapers.  I know she would have embraced this project with love!  We enjoyed shopping for fabric together, discussing sewing projects, trading patterns and buying that special piece of fabric we knew the other would love.  Our love of sewing was a strong connection for us. I now share this love of fabric, FLANNEL and the planning and sewing with my daughter. 

My super husband who had flipped HUNDREDS of diapers and his mom, Gramma R. 

Gramma  would have been so delighted at Jana having twins. Never in our families has there ever been twins! As I sewed the diapers I kept thinking of how Gramma Rinehart is up in heaven rocking our precious angel, Carter, until the rest of the family arrives! Until then, I will keep making Teeny diapers with the hope that it will ease another families pain at losing their precious child.

Pullman, Centralia, Omak, Colville

"Surviving the Holidays"

It's not something I will "get over".  It's something we are all living: missing Carter.

Cohen's first visit to Grammas house was this week. I put up the bed, put up a Christmas tree, had on the Christmas music. It was baking day, so the house was full of cookies. Cohen came, and well the bed would not stay up, and I could not get the lights on the tree to work. All that is pretty normal, here. But the music, cookies, Cohen and Jana and Gramma 2 were here. Then it started SNOWING! It was perfect! Almost. That started a week of  grieving Carter so much. I picked up the pumpkin we had put on his grave. Got his teddy bear, to wash. It was all frozen in snow. I just lost it. I don't want to but bears on his grave, I don't want to put a tiny tree there. I want him! I want him in his first Christmas booties! Or both wearing their Gonzaga Bulldogs T shirts! Here beside his brother. I want to make HIM a blanket! I want Jana to have both her boys. I know he is with Jesus. That IS the reason for the season! Jesus was born at Christmas so that we might LIVE! Carter can be with Him forever. But the pain is so overwhelming at times.

We are making blankets for other babies, sewing and baking. It is almost Christmas. I had not given much thought to that, till Jana brought home a flyer for  Griefshare, "surviving the holidays". Will I survive? I am old enough to know to take the help that is offered, cry with a friend, cry with my husband, cry with my family. Turn to the lord. He knows all our sorrows and he does care. Maybe someday I can write about how I survived the holidays!! Right now I am  just living the holidays.

Then Cohen got to visit again last night, Grampa got the bed fixed, the lights on the tree to work and he got to sleep in my arms thru the football game! So much love. He even gave me lots of smiles! This journey  is so up and down, so happy and sad. Full of thankfulness and miracles!

The Quilt

I love to quilt. Find the fabric, cut it, put it together. Put warm flannel on the back. And then give it away. I have made quilts for all my grandchildren. Special, amazing beautiful kids. Last week was a sad and happy week. I finished Cohen's quilt. He is grandchild number 5, his brother Carter, grandchild number 6. Each one so precious and special. I had great plans to have the quilts all done for the boys, in opposite pattern. I cut them both out, laid them on the floor, gathered them up in the exact order, and made sure the colors were in opposite spots, so we could tell them apart. I would present them to Jana at her shower. God had other plans for our family the past 6 months. Cohen and Carter (I LOVE saying their names together!) were born at 25 weeks. Much to soon. Carter passed away at birth. Cohen continued the fight for his life.130 days in the NICU at the University of Washington. Carters quilt was done, early, before the showers, before the homecoming.I sewed it in one night. Thru more tears and anguish than I ever imagined. But it was done for him. For his burial.   I finished his quilt in a teenie tiny version, a 2 lb and 13 1/4" version. He was wrapped in it and laid to rest.  Forever loved. Forever with Jesus. How we miss him! Over the days and months, I tried to finish Cohen's blanket. I wanted him to have it to come home in.  I could not quite muster the energy. When I realized he was coming HOME I got to work on it. It seemed so much bigger, than I had first laid out. But I kept on sewing.  Heck, he can use it for a toddler bed, or take it to college... I showed it to Jana, and pointed out how I had included a square from Gramma Rineharts fabric stash. Jana had written about Gramma and Carter after I had typed this post, but did not publish it. (which does not surprise me, we had many "thinking of Carter" moments at the same time.) I was thinking of Carter, Gramma and quilts all week. How much I miss her. How much I miss Carter. She would have cried with us and talked with us and loved and prayed for Cohen and his journey. What I love about quilting is the history, the stories each quilt has to tell. Cohen's quilt was extra big, because I had not realized, until it was done,  I had included all the extra pieces of Carters quilt. As I sewed Cohen's quilt, I kept thinking of Carter and his identical tiny little quilt. Cohen's quilt  had Carters pieces in it, a piece from Gramma, and I had also stuck in one piece of fabric I used to make a quilt for Jana in college. So there are the generations. The 4 generations, which have so shaped our families story. My special connection with Gramma was the quilting and the love of sewing, and of course her son! She loved each and every grandchild and great grandchild. she would have been SO excited about Jana having twins. The first EVER in ANY Rinehart history! I understand her great love and excitement for each and every grandchild. I love them all so much. Gramma Rinehart is watching and rocking Carter for us, for now. And we are loving Cohen to bits!