Cohen's first visit to Grammas house was this week. I put up the bed, put up a Christmas tree, had on the Christmas music. It was baking day, so the house was full of cookies. Cohen came, and well the bed would not stay up, and I could not get the lights on the tree to work. All that is pretty normal, here. But the music, cookies, Cohen and Jana and Gramma 2 were here. Then it started SNOWING! It was perfect! Almost. That started a week of grieving Carter so much. I picked up the pumpkin we had put on his grave. Got his teddy bear, to wash. It was all frozen in snow. I just lost it. I don't want to but bears on his grave, I don't want to put a tiny tree there. I want him! I want him in his first Christmas booties! Or both wearing their Gonzaga Bulldogs T shirts! Here beside his brother. I want to make HIM a blanket! I want Jana to have both her boys. I know he is with Jesus. That IS the reason for the season! Jesus was born at Christmas so that we might LIVE! Carter can be with Him forever. But the pain is so overwhelming at times.
We are making blankets for other babies, sewing and baking. It is almost Christmas. I had not given much thought to that, till Jana brought home a flyer for Griefshare, "surviving the holidays". Will I survive? I am old enough to know to take the help that is offered, cry with a friend, cry with my husband, cry with my family. Turn to the lord. He knows all our sorrows and he does care. Maybe someday I can write about how I survived the holidays!! Right now I am just living the holidays.
Then Cohen got to visit again last night, Grampa got the bed fixed, the lights on the tree to work and he got to sleep in my arms thru the football game! So much love. He even gave me lots of smiles! This journey is so up and down, so happy and sad. Full of thankfulness and miracles!
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